Good morning – rise and shine. Hope you had a good night. What’s that – your baby sleeps through the night? Good, good… that’s good. You do know that babies need to feed every 6 hours to get sufficient nutrition, though? Good, good… just don’t let him wake too many times, if so, he’s manipulating you, and you need to let him cry.
Let’s get him dressed. I prefer organic clothing, ethically made – I don’t condone sweat shops. But don’t spend a fortune on clothing, kids aren’t there for your fashion pleasure; let kids be kids, buy cheap clothes that they can get dirty. What’s that? You’re taking him to the park? Good, good.
Did you hear what’s going on in the Middle East? What’s that? NO?? Tsk, tsk, mumma – it’s important to know that’s happening in the world – if you stay in your little bubble, you’ll get depressed. Stay connected.
NO, NO, NO! Stop staring down on your phone. Tsk. Fakebook. People these days forget to live, as they live on social media. Look, now you missed the baby take his first steps. Also, someone may take him whilst you’re in the park, staring down on your phone. Let me show you a video of a dad getting caught out whilst Facebooking in the park…
What’s that? You are a stay at home mum? How do you stay FULFILLED? What will you do once your kids go to school? You got to stay RELEVANT.
Say WHAT –you work full time? Don’t you miss spending time with your kids? They are only little for so long. You work part time? Part time workers are always overlooked; you may as well not bother, your career is basically on hold.
You look tired – are you still working out? You need to think of starting to lose that baby weight, otherwise it’ll stay forever. You go to the G-Y-M? Where do you leave your baby? Doesn’t it bother you that someone else is looking after your bundle of joy whilst you are having your “me”-time?
Are you breastfeeding? Are you sure you have enough milk? Many children don’t get enough nutrition off just breastmilk. What did you say? Your baby has FORMULA? You, should breastfeed – breast is best. What do you mean “you’ve got no more milk”? Did you try HARD ENOUGH?!
Keep breastfeeding (but not too long; breastfeeding toddlers are gross) – The kg’s will just roll off you… what do you mean “it doesn’t”? You’re hungry? Have a few handful of nuts to snack on whilst you’re feeding. What do you mean “it’s not enough?” You need exactly 3000 calories to breastfeed – it’s science. Everything else is in your head.
Is your baby on solids? He likes fruit, you say… don’t give him that. It’s bad for his teeth. Make your own baby food. Make it macrobiotic. You are what you eat.
There- you missed another moment. Take a picture – but not too many; don’t be one of THOSE mothers who only talks about her baby and snaps a thousand pictures.
Don’t upload it on Facebook though – there are predators out there. But do stay connected. Don’t isolate yourself.
Oh, it’s night time. Don’t let the baby stay up too late. Read him a book. But don’t over stimulate him. But him to bed when drowsy, but not asleep. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FEED HIM TO SLEEP!!!!!
Spend some quality time with your partner. After all, you were a partner before you were a parent. But sleep when the baby sleeps. Everything else can wait. What’s that? Your house doesn’t look like it’s out of a home decorating magazine? You must be depressed. Do you sleep enough?
Off you go to bed.
But remember to Stay relevant. Stay beautiful. STAY CONNECTED.
Oh. And don’t forget to drink water.